second chances
by Sunchaser55
Summary: Who said you have all the time in the world to make things right? It could all be gone tomorrow. (5 years post Chimera Ant Arc)


**HxH messed me up. So yeah... This is a complete angst fest.**

* * *

**Title: **_Second Chances _

**Summary: **_Who said you have all the time in the world to make things right? It could all be gone tomorrow. (5 years post Chimera Ant Arc) _

**Warning(s): **_Suicide mention, Death_

**Genre: **_Angst, Tragedy _

**Pairing(s): **_KiruGon-ish. Very slight LeoPika? Maybe? If you squint?_

* * *

Gon had lost count of the various apologies he'd created in his head.

None of them ever good enough.

Each of them only reminding him of the incomplete piece of him that ached in his chest ; reminding him that he'd broken Killua's heart, and that he was disgusting for missing him so desperately despite that.

Betraying Killua like that... the person who'd been devoted to him since day one ; who had trusted Gon with his entire heart and soul...

No matter how many apologies Gon conjured, it didn't change the fact that forgiveness was unattainable.

The cruel didn't deserve such things.

_'Even so. Right now... if it meant that he'd come back to me, I'd give him a thousand apologies. Even the lame ones, if it could've saved him.'_

Gon had spent all of his time thinking not only of apologies. But simply thinking of Killua.

_**Always **_thinking about Killua.

When he didn't think about him, he dreamt of him. Of Killua curled into his spine at night, placing soft kisses on the nape of his summer-kissed neck as he murmured forgiveness ; moments where Gon would whisper sweet nothings to him as he intertwined their hands. And though he didn't deserve it, sometimes Killua would do the same for him.

But despite all of the thinking, Gon quickly realized that he would never be prepared to face him. One month had become one year. And one year had faded into five. But now Gon would never have the chance. It'd slipped away from him like sand. Killua had slipped away from him... If only he had noticed Killua's feelings. If only he'd considered them back then... If only he hadn't been so seflish.

So many years wasted, and opportunities forsaken. Killua's heart had been paired with a ticking time bomb from the moment they'd parted.

It'd expired, and now Gon was too late.

It was pathetic.

Even now, where he stood on the outskirts of the green forest, taking in the arrangement of seats and the figures of all the attendees, Gon still hadn't thought up a decent apology. Instead, he stiffly grasped at Alluka's hand, taking in the black figures of those who shot him concerned or sympathetic glances as he approached.

Some friends.

Others people Killua hadn't even known.

But all in black, nonetheless.

The way the golden light from the sun danced along the swaying treetops, birds singing alongside the soothing sound of the nearby creek, almost clashed with the heavier atmosphere. But Killua had liked it here. He'd liked Whale Island. So Gon had been rather insistent.

Kurapika and Leorio were the first to go to him.

Mito-san watched them from a distance behind sad eyes, lingering with those who surrounded her like ghosts. Her entire focus may have been on the dark haired boy, but she didn't dare disturb them, instead letting Gon receive the much needed comfort from the friends who had been absent for a long period of time.

If he needed anybody right then, it would be those friends...

"Gon..." Kurapika spoke first, his voice but a breath. The pain of losing a friend was evident in his own trembling eyes.

But nothing followed. Even if Kurapika had managed to come up with any words worth saying right then, they would have become caught in his throat. Instead, Leorio did all he could think of. He wound his arms around Gon and Alluka, burying them into his frame silently.

The older man only hoped that they could find even the faintest sliver of comfort there.

But Gon couldn't process it, instead standing limply in those large arms that wanted nothing more then to protect him from such cruelty. His mind was hazy, even as he brought his hands around Leorio in return. He must have been hurting terribly, as well...

That didn't change the fact that the entire scenario just didn't feel real.

It _couldn't_ be real.

But here he was, assuring both Leorio and Kurapika that he was fine before they shared small conversation. Lame things. Like how the weather was nice. Or what they'd been busying themselves with since they'd last seen one another. But always avoiding Killua.

Moments later they moved on to greet a portion of the others who had taken the time to travel to Whale Island, and all to say their goodbyes to the boy who, in their eyes, was either a dear friend, a comrade, a student, or maybe even simply somebody wonderful who they'd wished to meet based on Gon's loyalties...

Wing-san, Biscuit, and Zushi were there. Palm and Ikalgo. Even Knuckle and Shoot.

Then there were family friends, each of them never having even met Killua. But attending in order to support Mito-san, Gon and Alluka, all the same. Mito-san had even spoken with a friend – a man Gon had known since he was only a boy – and he would be the one to lead the service.

Gon had tried to reach Canary, even. But Alluka had said that the Zoldyck family would probably have their own ceremony for Killua. One for the family, and the family only.

Hopefully Canary could find some peace there...

But how did one even find such things? Gon hadn't healthily coped with the passing of Kite all those years ago. What did it even mean to make terms with such things? How did one come to terms with such things?

It hadn't even been a week since Alluka had arrived on Gon's doorstep, but he could still hear her cries so clearly in his head.

_"They... they said that Killua killed himself. That he wanted nothing more then to make up with you, but couldn't handle it anymore. He bottled it all up... B-but, brother wouldn't do that! He wouldn't!"_ Her desperate belief of such had streamed down her face and stained her cheeks as her facial features twisted, and she'd sobbed thickly. _"He'd never leave me like that! They have to be lying! They have to be!"_

The memory left him with a cold pit in his stomach. It was sickening... too sickening to realize that all of this was most definitely his fault.

How were you supposed to process that you'd killed the person most precious to you?

Then the service began.

Alluka cried.

As did Leorio, Ikalgo, Palm, Biscuit, and Knuckle.

Some sniffled quietly, trying to restrain themselves considering they knew that Killua would want it that way – for them not to cry. But then there were those who could only curl up into themselves, their hands grasping at their clothes tightly as their loss crippled them.

Others simply bowed their heads, coping with either the shock that still bombarded them or with senseless anger. In a trembling murmur, Kurapika just barely hissed that he was fed up with losing those he cared for.

Then there was Gon.

He couldn't bring himself to shed any tears. His tired orbs didn't even burn with a need to. He merely sat there emptily, only moving once Alluka buried her face into her hands, her shoulders quaking as she tried to control her whimpers. He wrapped a numb arm around her, pulling her closer.

But for the majority of the service, Gon tuned in and out, completely lost in his thoughts.

Occasionally, he would fade back into the reverend's speech, his numb mind just barely processing something about how Killua had been both a loyal friend, a caring brother, and so fourth.

He felt it as Alluka squeezed her fingers around his hand tightly, the blue eyes that were too similar to Killua's brimming with hot tears. It hurt to look into them.

It only made Gon realize that he'd never seen Killua cry. Just how much pain had he kept to himself? How often had Gon left him to suffer in silence? Most of all, Gon hauntingly wondered just how many times Killua had probably cried because of him.

Had he been crying these past five years?

His blood flowed through his veins like ice, and even more so once he was called to the front. Shakily standing, he left Alluka in the care of Mito-san. She rubbed at Alluka's shoulder soothingly, directing her own moist eyes at Gon. She tried to give him an encouraging look, however weak. If it gave him even a tiny bit of strength right then, that was what mattered.

Once he stood before all of those who'd come to pay their respects to Killua, Gon unfolded the paper note which had been crushed in his tightly balled hand. He sucked in a sharp breath, preparing to read it aloud – to read all of the things that he wished to say about Killua. But Gon's heart stopped, and his breath caught in his chest.

He couldn't breathe.

He couldn't speak.

All he could do was stand before all of these people - his friends, acquaintances, and neighbours. He was completely frozen. He could feel it as his heart flared, betraying the numbness that had kept him together thus far.

But before he could succumb completely, Gon shoved the speech he'd prepared into the pocket of his dress pants and said in a strangled voice before retreating back to his chair, "I..." he trembled, "I can't do this."

Before he reached his seat, Palm cut him off.

She didn't try to feed him the courage to take back to the stage. She only took hold of his hand, rubbing a thumb along his knuckles as she gently asked him if it would be alright for her to share Gon's speech for him instead – that everybody should hear about his and Killua's beautiful friendship.

He reluctantly handed it over to her.

_"Killua was a dear friend to me,"_ Palm smoothed out the piece of paper, carefully reading it's handwriting. Her chest ached, but she couldn't even imagine the sort of pain that'd pierced through Gon. She needed to do this for him. She _wanted_ to. Killua had confided in her when Gon couldn't, so to do this much for him made her both glad, yet incredibly melancholy.

Why had it come to this?

_"A friend who was loyal, kind-"_ she paused, frowning, "_... a friend that I didn't deserve to have."_

The seated listened with heavy hearts, some trying to smile sadly at the pure words of the honest boy. But Gon's own thoughts were sour as he chastised himself for being unable to do even this...

_"He always stayed by my side. He was there when I laughed. Whenever I was discouraged. He even saw the ugliest parts of me. But Killua was always there. Amazing. He was always amazing. Whenever I was with him, I felt like we could do anything together."_

He hadn't been able to tell Killua just how much he loved him.

_"Sometimes it almost felt as if Killua doubted my need for him. He'd always hide behind embarrassment. But it was his eyes. Those eyes always flashed with surprise – as if he didn't see for himself just how special he was. I needed him. I **always** needed him."_

He hadn't been able to listen to him when he needed him, nor apologize for his heart wrenching mistakes.

_"Killua was... No! Killua **is** special to me. But despite that, in the end, I messed up. I betrayed Killua's trust. His love... for me. For what? Revenge? I look back at that now, and I realize: you have to be pretty stupid to do that to the person you cherish most in this entire life. I should have appreciated him more. I was such a fool."_

He hadn't been able to save him.

_"If Killua were here, I wonder if he would tell me that I was being an idiot for saying all of this sentimental stuff. He'd probably be blushing. Maybe he'd jab me in the forehead the way he always did."_

And now he couldn't even manage to say his last parting words...

_"I wish he could do that right now. I wish everything could go back to the way it was. But I know that it can't. And it never will. Wherever you are, Killua, I want you to know how sorry I am. I am so, **so** sorry. And I want you to know that I miss you. I miss you so much. I know it's a lot to ask, but I hope that maybe you'll wait for me, wherever you are."_

Maybe because he wasn't quite ready to part yet...

_"I love you. Please be happy."_

When it was finally over, and they'd buried Killua's empty casket, Gon felt as lifeless as the corpse that the Zoldyck family had refused to hand over to them...

He forced his way through the gathering afterwards, nodding and twitching his lips up into small, strained smiles whenever anyone was to give him their condolences ; or assure him that they would speak to him whenever he needed such during such a difficult time ; or whenever he received a comment about his speech. Most told him that Killua would be so glad to hear such things...

He was somewhat relieved to get away from it all once he found himself in the isolated space that was his bedroom that night. The guests had left, all except Kurapika and Leorio, who'd taken the couch downstairs to sleep on that night. Then there was Alluka, of course. She'd been staying with Mito-san and Gon since her arrival on Whale Island, and based on how attached Mito-san had become, it seemed like it might become a permanent arrangement.

It was the middle of the night, but Gon hadn't found any sort of comfort in rest.

He hadn't been sleeping very much at all, as of late, really.

Instead, Gon sat against his mattress motionlessly, thinking of Killua as desolate eyes took in the scattered moon and starlight that struck his ceiling as it washed in through the nearby window.

Was this what a broken heart felt like?

Everything around him appeared intact. Yet it felt as if his entire world had collapsed.

Was this how Killua had felt?

Exhaling heavily, Gon finally found it within himself to leave the bed that he could so clearly picture Killua tangled within as he laid beside him, watching him with fond eyes as they talked throughout all hours of the night.

He ran a hand along the desk that was littered with all of his failed attempts at writing his speech, as well as a proper apology. And then his fingers drifted to the fishing rod that leaned against the side of it's wooden surface. He took it into his hands, strapping it to his nearby backpack before orbs tinged with silver moonlight flickered to the book on his bedside table.

_Killua's _book.

His journal, to be more precise.

Alluka had given it to him the other day, saying that she thought her brother would want Gon to be the one who owned what remained of his thoughts and feelings. That, and after what her family had tried to chisel into her, she really didn't want to find out whether Killua really had left her on his own accord or not...

Gon, too, hadn't found it within himself to read what was inside. Not yet. He was afraid... so afraid that Killua's words housed contempt. That, or what scared him more so was the possibility of maybe even finding forgiveness within it's smudged pages. Forgiveness that he did not deserve, whether he needed it or not.

Regardless, Gon uncertainly placed the book into his backpack before swinging it over his shoulders within the silence of the night, his figure bathed in a silver glimmer as he crept from the safety of his room and into the mute hallway.

Mito-san had long ago gone to bed, wishing Gon a good night all of those hours ago. She'd sat with him for a while, asking him if he needed to talk.

Mito-san had also made Alluka some calming tea before bed. So Alluka was probably sound asleep by now, as well.

"Gon?"

It was Kurapika who caught him before he could sneak out through the door.

Pale eyes searched him through the dark, concern swimming within them. Kurapika wouldn't admit it, but he couldn't help but fear that Gon might do something stupid... There was no way he could lose Gon on top of everything else. It would be too much.

"Where are you going?"

Gon shrugged, squeezing at the straps of his bag. "I need some air. So I figured I'd do some fishing. That always clears my head..."

"At this hour?" Kurapika pressed his lips together, taking a step closer as he offered, "I can come with you, if you'd like."

"No, I'd like to be alone right now," Gon's tone was filled with empty warmth "Thanks, though."

The dark haired boy turned to leave, only stopping when Kurapika called his name urgently. But the both of them were interrupted by Leorio. "We all care about Killua," he said, coming up from behind Kurapika and winding an arm around the blonde's waist. "We're all in this together. You're not alone, Gon. Remember that."

Gon nodded, managing a soft smile before disappearing through the doorway. It was weak, but a smile nonetheless.

He really did have such wonderful friends...

He wouldn't shut them out. Not like he'd done to Killua...

He owed Killua that much.

But for now, he allowed himself to become completely immersed in the nature that was just as familiar to him as his calloused hands. Even underneath the black umbrella cast by the trees, he could navigate the forest as if it were daylight.

He'd had every intention to fish – just as he'd told Kurapika. But when he came to a stand-still, he found that he'd taken himself to the cliff where he and Killua had watched the stars together all of those years ago...

Back when they'd been happy.

It was no mistake that he'd come here...

It held so many fond memories for him that Gon couldn't keep from feeling sick... He couldn't even meet the spectacular view of the glowing, silver moon nor the tiny diamonds bathed in it's shadowy light - not without feeling as if his heart might tear itself in two.

He threw his bag from his shoulders, slumping down onto the cool, rocky surface underneath him. Hugging his knees to his chest, Gon dipped his head. No one could see him here. He was finally alone. So he welcomed the overwhelming force of his sadness, letting it gush from the heart he'd kept underneath both lock and key.

"First Kite..."

He grasped at his legs more tightly.

"Killua... If I'd known that acting the way I did after Kite's death would lead to losing you too, then..." he choked, "If I'd known, then -"

Then what?

He didn't know. All that he did know was that everything within him was screaming. Nothing made sense. Killua was supposed to be the one to calm him... to help him make sense of everything. But he'd lost him. Lost his one and only compass.

"How can I even say that I love you!?" He filled the night with the horror that was his despair, letting the darkness swallow it up as he finally lifted his head to the silver moon. The beautiful silver moon... Always glimmering with such light, but engulfed in so much darkness that it couldn't possibly understand just how beautiful it really was.

"If I loved you, then shouldn't I have taken comfort in you? Listened to you? I should've been relieved that you were there for me... But instead I found comfort in rage. In blood and death... In knowing that I could so easily break that sunuva bitch after proving to my nen just how much I wanted that **_thing_**" - he basically spat out the word, finding all the more to blame Pitou for - "messed up beyond recognition."

For the first time since Gon's heart had broke, he could feel it as his eyes burned. They burned, but he did not cry.

"So then why? I love you so much, Killua!"

Stiff fingertips dug into his legs before he reluctantly released their wild hold with a growl and escaped the feeble position, bolting up onto his feet dizzily.

"Why!?"

Tanned hands balled into fists.

"Why!?"

Gon squeezed his eyes shut, his brow twitching.

"Why!?"

His tone only increased in volume, and in turn, the voice that reached his ears – his own voice – only fed his frustration. Throwing a tantrum wouldn't help anyone... Hadn't he learned that already?

"Why!?"

His voice cracked on the final one, and without thinking, he sent a hard kick into his backpack.

"Why!?"

It fell onto it's side, but that didn't satisfy him.

Clenching his jaw, he kicked it again and again, whimpering as he tried to keep the tears from falling. His fishing pole rattled loudly against the rock, but why should it matter if he broke it when he couldn't even ever fish with Killua again? What was the point?

"Killua!"

The broken call of the snowy haired boy's name wouldn't reach him. It wouldn't reach anyone...

He didn't regain control over himself, not until Killua's journal slipped from the bag that had been forced open at the abuse it had endured.

Gon's eyes fluttered open, and he froze in place, staring at it.

For a moment he stopped breathing, the pain from the all-too visible moon's appearance disappearing as the night's cool breeze swept through his black hair and tickled at his trembling skin.

Killua really was always there to calm him...

At least, that was the thought that kept Gon from un-knotting anymore then he already had.

Tentatively, Gon took a step closer, kneeling down to take it into his hands. Brushing off it's surface with his palm, he let himself breathe again.

"...Killua."

With that, he sat back down onto the rock, gaze locked on the shimmering night sky as he continued to hold the book loosely within his lap. Though it's pages would not prove to be as soothing as it's appearance right then, Gon felt drawn to it. It felt like the right moment to take in Killua's final words...

Killua hadn't ever let him down. Even now, when he wasn't here.

Gon should at least understand how Killua must have felt, whether it was good, bad or a complex mix of both.

Sucking in a shaky breath, Gon flipped the journal open to it's first page. His eyes scanned it, taking in his dearest friend's handwriting. But before taking in any of it's words, he checked the several pages only to realize that Killua had only made a couple of entries. It must have been a recent thing...

Gon could imagine it as Alluka insisted that he write such things considering he often kept his feelings to himself. He could also picture Killua behaving stubbornly about it, only caving in after much persistence.

If not for how weak he felt, maybe he would've been able to chuckle at the thought.

But for now, all he could do was read, lovingly taking in every word on the smudged pages. It almost made it feel as if Killua wasn't even really gone at all – as if he were sitting there, right next to him.

* * *

**I miss you.**

**Do you ever think about me, Gon?**

* * *

'Everyday. All the time.'

* * *

**Nothing is okay. But I love you. I don't know if I believe in second chances, or if I even understand what love is anymore, but if there's one thing that I do believe in it's -**

* * *

'No. Don't say it. Don't do this. Please. I don't deserve it.'

* * *

**It's you. It's how you came for me when nobody else would ; and how you saved me. How you told me that you were lucky to have met me, and when you said that you needed me...**

**That it had to be me.**

**Then there was that time on Whale Island. When we sat beneath an ebony sky, watching the stars whose light was as fleeting as this fragile string that's holding whatever's left of us together.**

**When I look at you, you appear dimmer than you were before. Not light. But human.**

**If… once I've managed to sort my feelings out, would we be able to try again? I'll try to be more open. But could you reassure me? Tell me that you need me? That you need me as much as I need you. This time, there'll be no light to blind me. Blind me to the delusion that you're perfect. No. You're perfectly imperfect.**

**Please… It's stupid, but accept my broken heart. Fix it. Fix me. Once you've done that, I promise to forgive you. I promise not to be so hard on you anymore. I need you, even if I sound contradictory.**

* * *

It went on. Something about how he was scared he'd never fully heal from the blow, but that his expectations of Gon back then hadn't been fair to him, and that he wished more then anything that things could go back to the way they'd been before. There was that, and something about how despite the heartache, maybe they could learn from their mistakes and emerge from the life-long (at least it felt as such) separation stronger than ever. Gon could apologize ; allow Killua to state his feelings to him in a way that he could understand ; and then he wouldn't ever hurt Killua like that ever again.

He believed that Gon would make certain of it.

But Gon couldn't read anymore. Not through his blurred vision as his despair rolled down his face, spilling onto all that remained of Killua's heart.

* * *

**So my brother and I had this whole discussion about the new ending for the hxh anime. Them each being in black suits led to one of us saying, 'imagine if one of the members of the quartet died?'**

**And so we came up with all of these terrible scenarios, the worst being where Gon and Killua never got to make up. And then Killua dies. My brother said the character development would be pretty crazy for Gon in that sort of situation, but we both agreed that it would completely mess us up if it came down to that.**

**My feels were already all over the place before that conversation, so take this as my heart making it's way onto paper. I have to express myself somehow. x'D**

**Oh, and I wanted to really thank my brother for all of his help on this story. I wouldn't have been able to do it without him. He came up with the concept for Gon's speech, and even wrote a speech for me to kinda play with and re-word. So this is his story as much as it is mine. x3**


End file.
